Monday, 27 July 2009


Zoos are shit.

I went to a zoo that had bears (and I was really keen to see them having seen a documentary about a bloke who got eaten by Grizzlies ) but the f**kers were in the enclosed bit and wouldn't come out because it was cold. Miserable bastards. You couldn't view them from inside so I never saw them and to be honest have no evidence that the zoo actually had any f**king bears at all.

It's not the wild so the animals shouldn't be hiding away - they should be out in the open air bit being cute/ferocious/interesting for my viewing pleasure.

Paid a fortune to get in and the bears (and the lions for that matter) and most of the other good shit (i.e. anything big that could chew your face off) was not on display. Miserable ursine c**ts.

I would've poked them with big sticks or an electric cattle prod if I was the zoo keeper and made the bastards come out and dance or something.

And then there's "Pets Corner" - there were rabbits and guinea pigs for f**ks sake. What's a c**ting rabbit doing in a zoo? Unless you're gonna feed the little furry twats to the lions there's no point. If I can see one at my own house or in a pet shop it doesn't count and must be struck off the zoo animal list. Stop filling the zoo up with non-wild animals.

And the Reptile Enclosure - ooooooh, snakes and alligators - good stuff, eh?!?! Like f**king diddly was it. Several glass cases full of leaves and twigs and bark chippings and, quite frankly, f**k all else. I don't believe there's any lizard/snake in them - lying bastards. They're not that good at camouflage. Even if they are hiding - some f**ker should wake them up every now and again or use a stick to make them angry or chuck some hamsters in there so we see some f**king action.

They DID have alligators though.

The f**kers were three feet long and never moved a muscle. What a waste of f**king time. Even if they had been moving and/or aggressive I could kick their heads in without breaking a sweat because they were so small. Hardly dangerous or exciting.

I'm a child of the 80's and was raised on a diet of TV and wildlife shows. I've seen Steve Irwin trying to bumrape a 22 foot long croc and some beardy bloke having a dip in the sea with a Great White Shark three feet away from him. I am NOT, therefore, going to be satisfied with the "Wildlife Experience" provided to me by a zoo.

Make it exciting or just cull the lot of them and use them to make exotic looking handbags and coats.

We didn't even get to see an elephant have a piss or the sight of small children looking bemused whilst two monkeys f**k like mad and their parents try to explain it away as some kind of piggy-back ride.

Thoroughly disappointing day.

P.S. Penguins - you're f**king birds - you've got wings. Stop standing around and occasionally having a bit of a swim. FLY you useless twats.

P.P.S. Seals - where's your f**king self-respect?? You're supposedly intelligent!?! Well - if you're that smart and have any shred of dignity left - gang up on that ginger tosser in the wellies waving the fish at you and show him you aren't doing any more tricks. Slap the f**ker into the pool with your flipper and just eat the fish out of the bucket.

There. All better now.

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