Monday, 19 December 2011

A firm of bailiffs who specialise in forced evictions and repossessions have sent the company I work for a Christmas card in the hope of getting business from us. My firm doesn't do work that would require their services so I am baffled why they would send it to us (we are more likely to be helping people with debt problems) - but the card itself left me speechless (briefly of course, back in ranting gear again).
It shows three people 'disguised' as Carol Singers trying to batter a front door down, with a large Christmas tree, whilst two people appear to peek nervously from behind the curtains. The bailiffs are clearly labelled as such and on the front door is a handwritten note saying "No Carol Singers...or XXXX Bailiffs". XXXX being the name of this firm of suckbags.
In the background is a passer-by grinning at the scene of forced eviction taking place and another passer-by grinning and saying "Well, they should've complied".
Where do I start.....
1. The joke doesn't even work you fucking morons. If they have a sign saying no bailiffs OR CAROL SINGERS - why "disguise" yourself as carol singers? Because you are stupid idiots? Is that the message?
No - I know the message is you are tough and resourceful and get the job done, but that "joke" doesn't work because only idiots would disguise themselves as carol singers to get someone to answer the door when there is a sign on the door saying "no carol singers".
2. You heartless, soulless, money-grabbing arseholes. You are making fun of people losing their homes at Christmas in order to make your card seem humourous. You think the average Joe in the street would grin at the sight and have a "Well, serves them right" attitude. We are in a recession and you are making a profit from people's misery. Ok - I deplore what you do but I accept that you do it for a living and it is none of my business.....BUT - to joke about it? You utter pricks.
Do vivisectionists send comedy Christmas cards showing rabbits being blinded with chemicals in a supposedly humourous way? Of course not.
I cannot fathom on what level someone functions that they think this is funny or suitable for a Christmas card. OR that you even think it would drum up business? I know firms who do need to use the services of bailiffs at times and they (from the few I know) see it as a necessary but unpleasant part of the job. Their morals aside...I can't see any of them wanting to glorify that part of the job or receive a card gloating about people BEING MADE HOMELESS AT CHRISTMAS.
You despicable wastes of oxygen. I hope your firm goes bust and there are bystanders laughing at you when your home is repossessed you money-grabbing filth. I shall pass the offending card to the two firms I know who do use bailiffs pointing out what an ugly sense of humour you have and imploring them to never use your services. If I can persuade even one firm to sack you and use a different firm it will be a wonderful irony seeing as it all stems from your card sent out to drum up business.
Have a shitty Christmas, lots of love, Dewie

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Best Records I Got Since Last Christmas

On the basis that approximately none people care, but I like making lists and am obsessive about music, I decided to do a top 20 albums for 2011. Rather than spending ages assessing comparative creative worth of different styles of music or agonising deeply over the relative merits of each, I simply put together a list of the 20 albums I played most frequently this past 12 months (in order of frequentlyness).

And then I added 5 more because I am incapable of being concise.

1. Turbid North - Orogeny
2. Machine Head - Unto The Locust
3. Anthrax - Worship Music
4. Fair To Midland - Arrows & Anchors
5. Alice Cooper - Welcome 2 My Nightmare
6. Vader - Welcome To The Morbid Reich
7. Cormorant - Dwellings
8. Vektor - Outer Isolation
9. Ana Kefr - Burial Tree
10. Skindred - Union Black

11. D-A-D - Dic.Nii.Lan.Daft.Erd.Ark

12. Devin Townsend Project - Deconstruction
13. While Heaven Wept - Fear Of Infinity
14. The Black Dahlia Murder - Ritual
15. Decapitated - Carnival Is Forever
Vomitory - Opus Mortis VIII
17. Benighted - Asylum Cave
18. Hammers Of Misfortune - 17th Street
19. Vallenfyre - A Fragile King
20. Opeth - Heritage

Special mentions:
Black Widow - Sleeping With Demons
Trivium - In Waves
Mastodon - The Hunter
Edguy - Age Of The Joker
Devin Townsend Project - Ghost

Someone will now remind me of a crucial album (that I have no doubt listened to loads) but have forgotten because I have done this list hurriedly and late at night.

Thank you for reading this. I am sorry you have wasted three minutes of your life.