1. Cheggars cant be boozers.
2. Laughter's the best medicine. Unless you're asthmatic, and then its ventolin.
3. People who live in glass houses shouldn't....masturbate with the lights on.
4. To avoid a messy divorce, find a woman you really dislike, and give her your house.
5. When your wife/girlfriend asks you to "be totally honest" she doesn't actually mean it. What she meant to say was, "tell me exactly what I want to hear and make it sound convincing."
6. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8. Don’t go to Nuneaton. It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.
9. Everyone has at least one great novel in them. Except Dan Brown.
10. Ladies please realise that until a man has slept with you he will not be able to concentrate fully during conversation.
11. DJs - Impress people by learning a real instrument. Alternatively, shut up, take your record-player and f**k off.
12. If you are a necrophiliac sadomasochist who enjoys bestiality, you may as well give it up. You're flogging a dead horse.
13. If at first you don't succeed, pay someone else to do it.
14. Who says men can’t multi-task. What about w@nking and moving the mouse at the same time?
15. There’s no sadder feeling than accidentally leaving your mobile at home all day and then returning to find you have no texts or missed calls.
16. Americans: No, that’s not irony. That’s called a co-incidence. There is a difference.
17. Organised people are just too lazy to look for things.
18. Fat birds & mopeds... both alright for a quick ride, just don't let your mates find out.
19. Never, EVER, mix sleeping pills & laxatives.
20. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
21. The phrase "What are you, some kind of c**t?" can only ever be used as a rhetorical question. Unless you’re at a fancy dress party where the theme is genitalia.
22. A true friend will never say 'I told you so'; they will just pour you a stiff drink and listen.
23. Under no circumstances should two men ever share an umbrella.
24. The one who smelt it dealt it.
25. Tact is for people who aren’t clever enough to take the piss.