Monday, 27 July 2009

I Didn't Want To Know That Thank You

I used to go to University and there was a mature student on my course by the name of [name removed for legal reasons].

She was in her mid-50's and thought she was very posh and very glam. Too much jewellery, too much make-up, too much hair etc. She would always hang around me and my friends and I never worked out whether it was because she thought we were young, hip, happening, sexy dudes or because we were the only people too nice to tell her to sod off and stop hanging around.

We used to call her Bob. She used to chuckle and say what "wacky guys" we were (is there any worse insult than calling someone "wacky"? You might as well say "Ohhhhh, you're such a c**t, you are"). Anyway - she clearly thought it was a random bloke's name we picked because we had a silly, surreal sense of humour.

Er, no. It's because she had big hair and applied so much lipstick so erratically around her mouth that she looked like Robert Smith of The Cure. Although we never had the heart to tell her that.

Anyway - with there being a spate of stomach bugs at work recently I was suddenly reminded of Bob. Why?

Well - she missed an entire week - exam week in fact - and needed a reason to be allowed to retake them a month later (just a little more time to revise????). She told us it was sickness and diarrhoea. But (despite her usually demure demeanour) went on to say "It was so bad we had to redecorate the entire bathroom!!!"

We looked aghast - and so she continued..."I'm not joking - it was EVERYWHERE. We had to replace the carpets - re-do the wallpaper, replace the curtains. Couldn't get the place clean - even with bleach!!!"

WHAT!?!? The carpets - ok - embarrassing accident (and not one you would tell people about, surely?!), but the WALLS AND CURTAINS???

What the f**k were you doing woman? Did you put a garden sprinkler attachment up your arse and stand on your head? And why tell us? It still makes me shudder every time I hear someone tell me they had an 'upset tummy'.

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