Friday, 1 October 2010

Diary Of Gant Ericsson

I found an old notebook at a second hand stall on the market at the end of the Portobello Road in and amongst a tressle table load of old tat that I am guessing came from a house clearance. It was 25p and I have no idea why it was for sale rather than binned but scrawled inside the hard cover was "My Words" and it appears to be a journal or diary of sorts. You know - before they invented "blogs" - when people wrote it on paper.

I don't know whether he ever intended it to be public or published or shared with a single soul.

I wonder if it is right or wrong for me to even blog about it, but it intrigues me so I have (as best as I can, with the scrawly writing and frequent scribbles and crossing-out of words) typed out some extracts here for you to have a gander at.

Based on the writing on the third page in, his name is (was? I don't know if he is still alive) Gant Ericsson.

These are some of his thoughts:

People say they recycle. But they don’t do it properly.

Sure, they recycle newspapers, cans, bottles - some even mulch their food scraps and tea-bags in a compost bin. But they don’t make use of everything they can.

They don’t recycle themselves.

I’ve been recycling myself for approximately four years now.

Much of our body is wasted and we can re-use our own by-products to great effect.

I shave my head and beard every seven weeks and have done so since I began my bodily recycling programme. So far I’ve stuffed eight pillows, two cushions and am halfway towards my first duvet.

My ear wax has been collected in pots and provided several large candles in a rather attractive earthy orange/dark brown speckled finish.

If ever I find myself sobbing uncontrollably, I collect my tears in a small jug and use it to water the Aspidistra on the window sill. Much of my wallpaper is affixed with mucus. Unfortunately this does mean I can only put one strip up every six to eight weeks.

Toe-nail and finger-nail clippings are kept in a large Tupperware tub in the garage. I haven’t determined what I shall use them for yet.

Now, it may seem unsavoury to some but in my flat there's a bucket instead of a toilet. Some of the faecal matter I collect is dried and used in the stove and the rest is used as fertiliser for the garden.

The human body produces so many useful substances from every region, but by far the most versatile has to be the penis - which regularly produces two entirely different substances which most people simply waste.

People may say it’s somewhat unpleasant to collect and keep my penile fluids - and they may be right. But every visitor that’s ever been to my flat comments on my home made lava lamp.

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